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Tuesday, April 5, 2011

5 Most Feared Questions


Question 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: “I’m sorry if I have been a bit distant my darling. I was just reflecting on what an amazing woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you.”
This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
a. Nothing
b. Football
c. Jessica Alba
d. How fat you are
e. How would I spend the insurance money if you died
Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg: “If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you.”
Question 2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: “YES” or, if you feel a more detailed answer is necessary: “Yes, dear.”
Inappropriate responses include:
a. Like flies on shit sugar-britches.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love
d. Does it matter
e. Who, me?
Question 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer: “Of course not!!”  Make sure to say it as quickly and as meaningful as possible.
The incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn’t call you fat, but you’re not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I’ve seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question 4: Do you think she is prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is: “Of course not!!”  Again, making sure to say it as quickly as possible.
Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a pretty personality
b. Not prettier, but her boobs are bigger
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define “pretty”
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question 5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question…      …the only way to get out of this one is to say nothing at all.  Extend your arms, close your eyes.  Pull her near, and just hold her.   Don’t say a word.  Just hold her.  After several moments, she will try to pull away.  Hold her close, don’t loosen your grip.  Then say, (with voice quivering just a little)  “I just can’t bare the thought of loosing you.”
You have now found a way to get laid that only took 5 minutes and 9 words.

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